Forgottonia

I was scrounging around Left Bank Books, St Louis, Missouri, and picked up the delightful volume “Lost States: True Stories of Txlahoma, Transylvania, and Other States that Never Made it” by Michael J Trinklein, and thought I would copy a passage relevant to my current location.

An accurate name for the land Illionis Forgot.

Illionis is pretty much all corn. Once you venture outside Chicago, the state becomes one giant field dedicated to the creation of tasty high-fructose corn syrup. To serve the corn farmers, small and medium-sized towns have grown up all across the Land of Lincoln – cities like Peoria, Decator, and Springfield.

What’s curious is that interstate highways connect nearly every one of the villages. Compare a map of Illionis to a map, say, of Iowa or Missouri, and you almost have to augh: Illinois has so many more miles of freeway compared to its neighbours.

Here’s how it happened: A big city like Chicago has a lot of people, and that means a lot of money and a lot of representation in Congress. But you can build just so many highways in the Windy city. So the “downstate” residents reap the benefits of living in a populous state…

Having said all that, one section of the state has been left out: the counties in the western bulge. Largely cut off by the Illinois River, this area didn’t get any fancy freeways in the 1960s and 1970s.

In protest, a group of residents decided to form their own state, Forgottonia. They appointed a governor and tried to attract attention. But what they really wanted was an interstate – specifically, Interstate 72, which would provide a shortcut between Chicago and Kansas City. Legilsation that would have authorized the construction of I-72 was defeated in Congress in 1968 and then again in 1972. Parts were eventually built decades later, but even today I-72 extends only to the Illionis-Missouri border….

Such is the sad story of Forgottonia. It never had a real shot at statehood – and it’s still pretty much forgotten. But they do have corn. Lots and lots of corn. So long as America keeps drinking sixty-four-ounce fountain drinks, Forgottonia’s people will survive. In fact, about the only thing that could hurt orgottonia would be medical reports suggesting high-fructose corn syrup isn’t healthy.

Oh.

Conversation Starters, Conversation Killers

So, my “pick-up lines” have been a little more successful in the Midwest than in the Northeast, to put it mildly. But then again, it may also be a difference between 2008 and 2010.

Northeast, Harvard Coop, Cute Bookseller, Summer 2008.

me: Hi…. um, what time do you knock off?*
cute bookseller: Excuse me?
me: Er… do you want to get maybe coffee or dinner with me?
cb: No.

Midwest, Red House, River experience Cafe, Sound man who looks like John Lennon. Yesterday.

I’m at the counter buying a drink.

me: Hi! You look like John Lennon.
John Lennon-lookalike: Um, thanks! I’ll take that as a compliment!
me: It was!
JLl: I like to play his music…
10 minutes later, I am halfway through a strawberry lemonade frappe (excellent), he walks over.
JLl: Hey.
me: Hey. Do you work here?
JLl: Yeah, I’m working at Rock Camp, which is for teens who want to be in rock bands.
me: Cool! When I was 13, I wanted to be in a rock band. But I didn’t grow up around here, and we didn’t have something like that.
JLl: So are you visiting?
me: Yes, I’m from Singapore.
JLl: Cool! Which part of Singapore?
me: Singapore. It’s not a very big island.

We talk a bit about exactly where Singapore is located, geographically. He’s been to Thailand.

me: I’m “sailing” down the Mississippi, except not really, because I don’t have a boat. And I’m making a film while I go.
JLl: Cool, where are you headed next?
me: Wisconsin, probably. I have a long-lost cousin there I’ve just met.
JLl: You should take the Great River Road. I’ve been that way myself, it’s very beautiful. It looks like Japan.
me: I’ve never been to Japan.
JLl: Me neither, but I’ve seen pictures, and it looks like that. I was going to this Zen retreat centre run by a guy from Kyoto.
me: Oh! I hear that Kyoto is the most beautiful bit of Japan. They have a lot of sheep, or so I hear.
JLl: So you just came over from the museum?
me: Yeah! It was great!
JLl: I never get to go there, even though it’s so close by. I just don’t have the time.
me: Well, you want to see some sketches I made of the art there? I saw some really cool Haitian art, and the John Deere collection was fantastic!
JLl: Sure!

I proceed to show him my sketches of the Figge, two posts below/under the “Art” category.

JLl: There’s a lot of Jesus.
me: Yup.
JLl: Well, that’s the Midwest for you. Lots of Jesus.
me: Yup. Not necessarily a bad thing.
JLl: Oh no, Jesus is cool! I like Jesus. It’s some of his followers I can’t stand. I’m a fan.
me: Me too!
JLl: By the way, you are missing one H in “Rhythm”
me: Oh. Yeah. I can’t spell.
JLl: Sorry, I was an English major.
me: I was an English major, too, and I still can’t spell.
JLl: Listen, you have a good day now. I have to work!
me: Bye!

I finish off my strawberry lemonade frappe.

*”When do you knock off” is Singaporean Parlance for “What time do you get off of work?”. Apparently it doesn’t mean the same thing in America. You learn something new every day.

**John Lennon Lookalike’s real name is Lars.

***Also, I wouldn’t entirely blame the Northeast, because I think I was very awkward in 2008. But then, I still kind of am.

Poisoning the Well

Hello, and let me offer a few sweeping generalizations – don’t shoot me!

When I left the Northeast for the Midwest, a few people told me what I would find there. Here is a sampling:

1) Why are you going to the Midwest? There’s nothing there!

2) You’re going to find God in the Midwest? Most people go to India or something.

3) Well, you’re going to find it a lot less cosmopolitan than the Coasts…

4) You will see a lot of corn.

Here is what movies tell you about the Midwest (at least movies I’ve seen, especially Road Trip movies)

Well, first of all, a caveat – it’s kind of lumped together with The South, I guess…. Or, the Category of “Not the Northeast slash California”:

1) People have funny accents, a lot of boils, and are scarily into Jesus (cf. Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle)

2) Everyone there is white, and the women have scary smiles in which they grin very hard and have inbred children cos they marry their brothers and sisters (cf. Harold and Kumar Escape from Guntanamo Bay)

3) They are racist down/out there (cf Same as Above)

4) They are uncultured, or if they are cultured they are hypocritical (cf Borat, Cultural Learnings of America)

5) They are anti-Semitic (cf. Borat, Cultural Learnings of America)

Here are my findings, at least thus far:

3) There are a LOT of “ethnic” (by “ethnic” people mean “non-white”) restaurants in Iowa City, Rochester and St Paul. Also my first meal in Davenport was Chicken Masala with Egg Noodles. And it was really good.

2) Old families on the Northeast may have a lot of foreign friends, but they are less likely to marry them. (cf. the Hopes, my second cousins: Irene is Chinese of Cantonese ancestry, David is some mix of Irish, Welsh, English; Nathaniel is their first son, who married a Thai, Erin is single, Lauren married a half-Korean, half-white (not sure what kind of white, I need to find that out, but his last name is Seden) I know this is a small sample size, but still. For the difference between being friends with someone and allowing them to marry your daughter, cf. Othello’s speech below

1) I have seen, and eaten, a lot of corn.

OTHELLO. Her father loved me, oft invited me,
    Still question'd me the story of my life
    From year to year, the battles, sieges, fortunes,
    That I have pass'd.
    I ran it through, even from my boyish days
    To the very moment that he bade me tell it:
    Wherein I spake of most disastrous chances,
    Of moving accidents by flood and field,
    Of hair-breadth 'scapes i' the imminent deadly breach,
    Of being taken by the insolent foe
    And sold to slavery, of my redemption thence
    And portance in my travels' history;
    Wherein of antres vast and deserts idle,
    Rough quarries, rocks, and hills whose heads touch heaven,
    It was my hint to speak- such was the process-
    And of the Cannibals that each other eat,
    The Anthropophagi, and men whose heads
    Do grow beneath their shoulders. This to hear
    Would Desdemona seriously incline;
    But still the house affairs would draw her thence,
    Which ever as she could with haste dispatch,
    She'ld come again, and with a greedy ear
    Devour up my discourse; which I observing,
    Took once a pliant hour, and found good means
    To draw from her a prayer of earnest heart
    That I would all my pilgrimage dilate,
    Whereof by parcels she had something heard,
    But not intentively. I did consent,
    And often did beguile her of her tears
    When I did speak of some distressful stroke
    That my youth suffer'd. My story being done,
    She gave me for my pains a world of sighs;
    She swore, in faith, 'twas strange, 'twas passing strange;
    'Twas pitiful, 'twas wondrous pitiful.
    She wish'd she had not heard it, yet she wish'd
    That heaven had made her such a man; she thank'd me,
    And bade me, if I had a friend that loved her,
    I should but teach him how to tell my story,
    And that would woo her. Upon this hint I spake:
    She loved me for the dangers I had pass'd,
    And I loved her that she did pity them.
    This only is the witchcraft I have used.
    Here comes the lady; let her witness it.

Going back to Midwestern Roots

…. I did not know I had.

How is it possible that one house in Iowa built between 30 and 13 years ago with an extension that was envisioned with cutting edge software to determine all the views should closely resemble in spirit a house built in 1993-4 in Singapore to the uncanny extent of including

1) a koi pond, with little Japanese stone lantern
2) a patio deck overlooking said koi pond
3) two dogs who rule the house as their demsene
4) treasures/trash from travels around the world but especially southeast asia
5) 30 years’ worth of packrating in the basement, which is an ever-expanding entity that causes the youngest daughter in particular some anxiety
6) 1900 photographs of Asia in 2004, the last year my family lived in Singapore
7) the most beautiful views from Faber Garden apartment, the place I spent 1/7th of my childhood
8 ) chicken masala with egg noodles
9) a map on the wall of the eldest son’s circumnavigation of the globe
10) two ivory staffs my grandfather left when the mother of the house was 13 or 14
11) a photograph of my great-grandfather, Wong On, with 5 children – we still can’t establish which 5, and his wife, whose eyebrows are perfectly symmetrical
12) three beautiful grown children, one of whom married a Thai, the other who married a half-white, half-Korean, and another who is single in Minneapolis who loves movies and books and hanging out with friends and has a half suitcase full of shoes

At dinner we sat down, and I said, truly, all of you are of my people. Then we went out for ice cream at this place called Whitey’s. It was SOOOOO GOOOOOOD.

Life is mysterious and astonishing and wondrous strange, as usual. Or so they say.

During Chinese New Year 2004 we met. I was too much of a self-absorbed 18 year old to remember much of that CNY, but we did, here is the photographic evidence.
Photos (c) 2004 by David Hope.